Kelly Tripucka's Mustache Announces Comeback

Dateline: South Bend, IN

In a press conference earlier this afternoon, Kelly Tripucka's mustache proclaimed that it was about to re-enter the area just below Tripucka's nose. "It's been awhile", announced the whiskers, "and I'm sure it will be tough at first, but the time has definitely come for my revival."

Observers could not quite pin down the last time Mr. Tripucka had sported facial hair, but most agreed that it had reached its peak sometime during his early 1980s stint with the Detroit Pistons.

When asked what precipitated the comeback, the 'stache cited several factors. "First and foremost, I love March. There's something about spring, the time change, that just really gets me itching to go. Oops, probably shouldn't use the word itching." The whiskers continued, "Anyway, Brad Pitt had a little cookie duster going for a while there that almost made it cool-- but really, I gotta be honest here-- I'm pretty jacked about the Notre Dame basketball team reaching the NIT quarterfinals against Kentucky. I dunno, it was just like some kind of sign or something. It's all about the Irish, baby!"

When asked what it had been doing for all these years, the mustache seemed non-plussed: "Doing!? What do you think I've been doing? Kelly's been dragging that Mach 3 over my (expletive deleted) every morning and rinsing me down the drain! That's what!"

The mustache's agent, Scott Boras, was also present at the news conference. He presented a list of demands, including daily hair conditioner treatments, weekly trims, and said that Tripucka's mustache "Absolutely reserves the right to use Just For Men, if it is felt to be necessary to demonstrate the proper ruggedness at any time." Boras then refused to answer further questions and left in a gold-plated Rolls Royce that was being physically carried by AIG executives.

The 'stache reflected further when asked for additional remarks about its Notre Dame affiliation. "Oh, that was when it all started all right. Back there with Digger. Jeez, what a blowhard that guy's become, huh? But still...good times for me and for Kelly, no question." However, the mustache went on to say, "If you're looking for a highlight, it has to be the 56 we dropped on the Bulls back in '83. People forget that one. We were on fire."

The 'stache seemed fairly confident that Tripucka was bringing it back for a substantial run. "Listen, Kelly's got nothing but love for me. He's heard it all, the Freddie Mercury jokes, everything. So I'm just going to keep doing my job and hope for the best."

Attempts to reach Tripucka's mullet-perm were unsuccessful.

Photo credit: Jim Cummins/NBAE/Getty Images